Why About Emotions and not Anout Other Topics?

Long before I planned on pursuing a masters degree, I have always thought of delving deeper into this topic when the right time came. Not because I wanted to condemn and /' or condone my colleagues or something of the sort, but because I wanted to really understand just how much an impact emotional abuse can have on the academic performance of high school students --- specifically in the school where I am teaching at. The topic is very close to my heart --- too close for comfort if I were to be honest. I lived with it for almost all of my young life. I had too much emotional trauma to last me a lifetime. I grew up believing I was worthless, that I was nobody, that no one would take me seriously because of the simple fact that I was what I had been. I lost my self respect. I lost faith and trust in people. I never believed anyone who told me I had potential. I never even believed that I could draw people when I sing.


I was born in this province a little more than 37 years ago and its ironic that this condescending culture of ours led me to almost deal with myself self-destructively. In the quiet a supposedly reserved probinsiyano culture lies hidden a destructive sense of "pangmamaliit". Makapilo, in straight Visayan term... The sad truth is that, most often, people whom we look up to to protect us and to provide us with much needed emotional support and anchor are the ones to also emotionally destroy us... which also proves the popular saying that states. " WE ALWAYS HURT THE MOST THOSE WHOM WE LOVE AND VALUE THE MOST." Family, friends, teachers, friends even ---- they hurt us in ways we never thought possible. And these same people have the power to hurt us because our feelings toward them makes us vulnerable to them.



To quote Mam Maria Juamawan's favorite line --- to make the long story short_--- I never found the acceptance I craved while growing up in this beloved island province of ours. My innate brilliance shone through in the city which accepted me when I did not even accept myself for who I was --- Ozamiz City. My fifteen years in Ozamiz led me to really know my potentials as a person. Ozamiz City National High School became cocoon through which I metamorphosed into my full potential. I wasn't a nobody in there because in a place teeming with people, you have no time to watch and backbite people. You try to rise and hone whatever potential you have so you don't find yourself carried away by the current.



It took me a long time to really understand that everything had to happen so I can be shaped according to how God wanted me to be shaped. I needed to go through being in the fire, doused with water, put into a furnace and doused again so I could be a "FEELING" person --- something so many people choose to forget. The emotional abuses made me more grounded and careful of what I say to my students because I know that at that age, a single word, a hurtful comment and I could break a life --- I know because I was broken far too many times in my young life.


I am not a saint, mind you. I am crass with older people. I say what I mean and most often mean what I say because they are already too old to not have sense within their heads. But with students I am like treading on glass ... because their trust and and views on people are very much fragile and could break and shatter with even a single word.


In the thirteen years that I have been teaching, I am aware that I might have offended some of my students, might have been judgmental and harsh on them. I might have unknowingly destroyed their self-esteem. I might have made them lose faith in themselves... there's no excuse for being reckless sometimes, that is why I want to know how emotional abuse affects them --- my students. The study will not limit only to the school setting but to their emotionally trying experiences in the home and in the community as well.


Personally, the effect of emotional abuse on me had been quite positive, achievement wise. I was emotionally shattered, but I chose to pick up the broken pieces and mend my tattered self worth. I chose to draw inspiration from within myself ---- from my family --- even when at the onset, I blamed God for all the pain. My will to brave it all was because I never wanted to go through the same abuse all throughout my waking hours. And I never wanted my children to face the same abuse I faced while growing up ---- but who knows, I might have unknowingly hurt my children even when I never intended to....


It's really nothing personal. It would simply be a sort of a clinical experiment of something that lies beneath the surface --- something intangible and yet one that affects people in so many ways.


And it wouldn't be done soon.... it would take two years in the least for me to really complete it.