Emotional Ebb Tide

I am unfortunately into one of those episodes when all I simply want to do is to go and hide at some dark corner and stay there until the negative feelings subside.  It's quite favorable for the earth to open up and swallow me whole.  It just feels like I am hopelessly drifting out to sea clinging on driftwood and never knowing where life's uncertain tides will lead me. My heart feels heavy and yet I can't point out one specific reason for why I am feeling this way. I couldn't single out a single person who has brought me this emotional ebb tide --- well, except myself, of course.

Well, maybe it could simply just be premenstrual syndrome.

I am worried about my husband because it's been a week since he last sent me a message through messenger.  I know he arrived in Dubai safely because we chatted when they were still staying at the hotel.  But since Sunday evening of last week, he hasn't sent me anything, not a single word.  I know he is alright.  I know God is taking care of him.  It's just that, this stubborn head and heart of mine wouldn't let me stop worrying.  I am praying that he is going to send me even the shortest of lines in the days to come.

Another reason for the negative vibes is my approaching pre-oral examination. Obviously, I need money. Unfortunately though, Plo's schedule had been unpredictable and he didn't find the time to send me the money I need for this and for the household maintenance --- he simply told me that if he couldn't find the time to send  me the allowance, I might need to apply for another loan.  Been thinking of crossing the sea to do just that the past week, but unfortunately, weather's been unpredictable and a lot of activities have been piling up one after the other. This week's schedule is another hurried event with the Second Quarter Exams falling on Monday and Tuesday and another seminar will be held on Wednesday and Thursday. Friday is also the schedule of the Writeshop to be held at Candaping. Damn it, but I feel like I am at the end of my wits.  How I want to shout at the top of my voice till all of the voice is gone and lay spent afterwards.

I have always been the optimist, but just for this moment, I want to give in to the negative.  I don't even want to speak with people because I might be able to say things I shouldn't.  I'd rather keep everything inside of me because there's nothing new with the situation anyway --- I have always felt alone, especially in moments when I am in dire need. But when I am experiencing abundance, well,.... no need to elaborate. I just am tired of all these and I simply want  start anew in some faraway land with only me and my husband and kids --- for us to savor life the way it was always meant to be lived by a family.

Oh well, this could just be another episode of mixed-up regret, anger, desperation and everything else; nonetheless, it needs to be aired out into the open.

Hopeful that this too shall pass.....