Moral Recovery and Anti Graft Seminar

Today is remarkably better than the days past, emotionally speaking.  I am not feeling off to the moon with happiness or anything of the sort, but definitely, I am feeling better --- though of course, I still have it in me to want to lash out at the first human who is mad enough to cross my firing range.

Today,  my students will start enjoying their week-long semestral break, but unfortunately, teachers aren't one with these students in taking a break.  For the whole week, we are compelled to join in a series of seminars for professional enrichment. It certainly is a good thing to think of thinking that teachers are considered the molders of society, but it is very ironic for the sons and daughters of teachers to have gone astray because their teacher - parents barely have the time to spend with them, let alone make follow-ups on their lives.

Having gone through the first day of the Anti-Graft and Moral Recovery seminar, I could say I was in the right place at the right time today.  The topics were just what each of us needed to jolt us out of our safety zones and to wake us up from our slumber.  However, as has happened in seminars past, teachers, many of them to be specific, were present just for the sake of complying with what had been required.  Most of them who were present were not really that dead serious about what we had been listening to.

Personally, I loved the topics. I knew most of what we discussed since, yet, hearing those things being affirmed by other people made me strengthen my faith.  True enough, I can choose to make a difference if I let God reign supreme in my heart and make him rule in my life. 

Emotional Ebb Tide

I am unfortunately into one of those episodes when all I simply want to do is to go and hide at some dark corner and stay there until the negative feelings subside.  It's quite favorable for the earth to open up and swallow me whole.  It just feels like I am hopelessly drifting out to sea clinging on driftwood and never knowing where life's uncertain tides will lead me. My heart feels heavy and yet I can't point out one specific reason for why I am feeling this way. I couldn't single out a single person who has brought me this emotional ebb tide --- well, except myself, of course.

Well, maybe it could simply just be premenstrual syndrome.

I am worried about my husband because it's been a week since he last sent me a message through messenger.  I know he arrived in Dubai safely because we chatted when they were still staying at the hotel.  But since Sunday evening of last week, he hasn't sent me anything, not a single word.  I know he is alright.  I know God is taking care of him.  It's just that, this stubborn head and heart of mine wouldn't let me stop worrying.  I am praying that he is going to send me even the shortest of lines in the days to come.

Another reason for the negative vibes is my approaching pre-oral examination. Obviously, I need money. Unfortunately though, Plo's schedule had been unpredictable and he didn't find the time to send me the money I need for this and for the household maintenance --- he simply told me that if he couldn't find the time to send  me the allowance, I might need to apply for another loan.  Been thinking of crossing the sea to do just that the past week, but unfortunately, weather's been unpredictable and a lot of activities have been piling up one after the other. This week's schedule is another hurried event with the Second Quarter Exams falling on Monday and Tuesday and another seminar will be held on Wednesday and Thursday. Friday is also the schedule of the Writeshop to be held at Candaping. Damn it, but I feel like I am at the end of my wits.  How I want to shout at the top of my voice till all of the voice is gone and lay spent afterwards.

I have always been the optimist, but just for this moment, I want to give in to the negative.  I don't even want to speak with people because I might be able to say things I shouldn't.  I'd rather keep everything inside of me because there's nothing new with the situation anyway --- I have always felt alone, especially in moments when I am in dire need. But when I am experiencing abundance, well,.... no need to elaborate. I just am tired of all these and I simply want  start anew in some faraway land with only me and my husband and kids --- for us to savor life the way it was always meant to be lived by a family.

Oh well, this could just be another episode of mixed-up regret, anger, desperation and everything else; nonetheless, it needs to be aired out into the open.

Hopeful that this too shall pass.....

Gadget Lows

It's early morning and I should have been hurrying so that I won't be late for work, and yet, here I am tapping the keypads of my laptop. 

Again, for the nth time, my laptop died on me --- and I have noticed that when it does, it always happens when I am downloading multiple video files.  I searched the web for possible reasons to this phenomenon and I was able to find some explanations: 1) it could be a virus; 2) it could be  a hardware failure... and it says in there that when a computer behaves this way, the problem is quite serious. Well, I have gotten the point that it might be better to plan of purchasing replacement while I still have time to salvage my files, but well, the price of a laptop is still quite high and I need to go find some source.  But I know I have to regardless of whether I want to or not.  The computer's become a big part of my work --- and my life because it makes my job easier.  It's also become a big part of my personal life because I communicate with loved ones through it.

Whew! Gadgets can be quite irritating, nonetheless, they've become necessary.  I just hope it wouldn't breath its last before I find the pot of gold to enable me to buy a new one.  I still have the old one, yes, but it just isn't portable anymore because its keypad no longer works.  I bought a large keypad to make it easier for my daughter to tap it.  

Diverting My Wayward Thoughts

The past few weeks had been pretty fast and crazy.  With deadlines to beat and all the stuff, it sometimes felt that I was chasing time --- or maybe the exact opposite was happening, time being the one running after me. Whichever the case, the effect on me is the same: I feel out of breath.  I sort of feel like I am moving in all directions and yet there is no real direction to where I am going.

Activities have piled up one after the other --- all of them work related.  Well, what can I say? Nothing, I guess ...  even if I want to say a lot of things, I'd better keep my fingers locked to the more civilized keys on the keyboard so I couldn't start griping and complaining. After all, I have promised to myself I will be good --- at least, while I still can be, hehehe. I want to twist and shout (sounds like some sing and dance number, huh!) at the same time... and roll on the floor for a finale, but doing so is, of course, unthinkable considering that I have a wholesome (???) image to uphold.  But in all reality, I really feel like doing all the unthinkable just to get my point across to whoever may have the heart to consider that teachers are also humans --- we also need to play every once in a while --- to sharpen our blunted edges so that we can be more like we were before this hurried and fast-paced work overtook the leisurely manner through which we did our job.

As I have mentioned beforehand, I promised to be good years ago --- after my published article.  And because I know myself better than anyone else, I also know that I can only stand so much.  I can only be good up to a certain point.  And when this certain point has been reached, I know I'd fly off my handle and start ranting and raving like crazy...

 And so, I made a project ... both for my vocally gifted students and for myself. I bought a pair of speakers and microphones.

Why???

Because this school year, I noticed that singing competitions have become an "in" thing again.  We have joined inter-school singing contests and my heart always goes out to the kid who participates in the contest without thorough practice and exposure. They have the voice, yes, but I really feel that given the choice, the'yd rather that the floor would open up and swallow them whole. They only consented because they were not given any choice.

I just knew I had to do something. I had to take matters into my own hands because I know how it is to perform for quite a large audience and how much of an embarrassment it is to sing when I am unprepared.  I started to form a group which  I dubbed as the EVNHS Voices.  I started out with only those whose vocal powers I already knew.  After lunch and during our Special Programs, I'd attach the speakers to my computers and we'd had performances... just to practice the singing and for the members to practice singing in front of a crowd.  We are already in our second week and the group is slowly growing.  When they reach 50, we'd have to formalize the organization and elect its officers.

I know it isn't an easy venture on my part considering I have so much to do.  But I enjoy every day that I spend practicing with my members.  I feel a certain joy watching them share their God-given talents. I am awed at some raw performers who were't given the chance to shine earlier on because of, unfortunately, teacher biases. I feel a certain kind of fulfillment watching how a student-singer metamorphoses from a shy protegee to a confident one.  It's tough for my schedule, but I feel fulfilled at the end of the day knowing I have helped one soul get out of the shell he/she had been hiding in for a long time.

I know I'd be meeting a lot of roadblocks along the way, but I am confident I can make it through.  I prayed for guidance before I embarked on this personal project and I am faithful that God is going to help me through.  It's tough and it's tiresome, but so far, it's been beneficial to me personally.  This project I have embarked on had diverted my wayward thoughts into more positive and aligned ideals.

Wi-Fi Secured

Finally, after rummaging through all the papers I could find in search for an old SMART Bro bill, my wireless internet connection is as good as new.  I also found the CD installer of my Linksys Wireless-G Broadband router which made it all the more easier for me to key in a password and enabled me to choose a connection with higher security.

I never thought it'd come to this point, but I guess, enough is enough. I don't have complaints about the slower internet speed because I don't play RPG games in any way. I was content with the speed I have been used to. What mattered anyway was that I could communicate with loved ones far from me.

Some good things never last... that's what a familiar line states.  Indeed! I simply felt the need to put my foot down and say (even without saying the word) that enough is enough. I haven't gotten tired with people. I have simply gotten tired of my property being abused.

Finger Induced Infidelity

The advent of the cellular phone is one remarkable milestone in the history of communications technology. Through it, the verbal exchange has fast escalated to a high level. What used to take weeks to arrive at one's doorstep --- the traditional hand written messages , I mean--- now takes but a split second. Fast indeed, but unfortunately, impersonal and sometimes shallow and if not, too full of pretense. Yes, indeed. With only the fingers as the means of transmitting messages from one person to another and with the feeling of safety brought about by the anonymity of "only" the mobile number, one can create a scenario completely different from what reality is. To phrase it more bluntly, text messaging has fast become an instrument of deceit and infidelity.



Even with the physical presence of a lover --- or a spouse --- nearby, a partner could "unknowingly' be involved in a verbal tryst --- a verbal affair --- with another person. Many fall into the common trap: emotional attachment brought about by the sugar coated words of the text mate even without one ever realizing it. True, one doesn't feel at all guilty at having to share personal secrets, feelings, thoughts --- even a few below the belt banters --- after all, there is no physical involvement that's happening. But isn't it also said that when one unzips his/her heart to someone other than his/her spouse, it it the same thing as unzipping his/her jeans? Little by little, what begins as an innocent friendship through an exchange of friendly text messages and gradually becomes not so innocent flattery becomes the source of conflict for what used to be a solid relationship. Before one is even aware of it, the emotional virus brought about by the cellular phone has become successful in eroding the most essential foundations of a relationship: trust and respect.



Text messaging had been designed to keep communication lines open for people whose means of living have kept them apart from loved ones left behind. But what has happened is that, it is already employed by some to cheat on a spouse, generate income through fraudulent means --- I don't have to spell everything letter by letter because I have implied it clearly enough. Lately, it has become the gadget of doom especially for the young men and women who have fallen prey to its fatal tentacles --- the young girls of 14 and 15 who get pregnant all too soon --- or worse, raped and murdered by the sweet-talking text mate. It has also become a gadget of marriage destruction especially for the insecure husband and wife who couldn't find the compliment of a husband and/or a wife at home and whose heart skips a beat when someone sends a text message that tickles the ego notwithstanding the fact that there are people who have been hurt in the process.



Oh well, is this gadget even worth the cost of a solid family? I don't think so. That's why I have been

too careful as to how I use the cellphone. I own two units. One I use for work and one for my husband. But I never engage in useless exchange of senseless and childish flattery. I don't entertain messages that aren't important since I delete them as soon as they are received. Oh, I don't care so much what people will say about what I do and how I do things, but I care a lot about how my husband will feel --- because I know I wouldn't like it one bit if I found out he'd been saying sweet nothings to someone else even if it's only through the supposed anonymity of the text message. I wouldn't want to read romantic lines meant for him that do not come from me.



I am not jealous, I tell you. It's just that I have this eerie sense of knowing what happens even before it happens. Well, it's not something extraordinary actually because everyone knows that when one plays with fire, eventually, he gets burned. I just do not want to make a bet with the devil because I know that he would do everything in his power to win --- even with innocent text messaging.



I don't want to enjoy too much, the sheer thrill and power and joy brought about by the sugar coated words of a text mate because I might unknowingly fall in love with words... and scatter the debris of a shattered family and a broken home in its wake. I don't want to destroy the sanctity of my marriage just because of an emotional infidelity brought about by my wayward fingers ... and my overfed ego.



Well, well... just my two cents worth...



If you don't like it cause it stings, click on the exit sign and leave. But if it makes some sense, please ponder --- it might not be too late after all.

(original text published at Facebook on April 8, 2010)

That Crucial First Step

Is there someone alive so bold and daring so as to not feel a certain degree of apprehension, uncertainty or fear of taking in a step forward --- especially when that step leads her or him toward an unknown shore?


Maybe, there are a few adventurous people who will not feel the tingling nerve-endings when venturing out into the unknown. There are a few exceptional people with that "devil may care" attitude and who think that they can take on any challenge--- climb any mountain, sail any ocean and forge every stream --- even when the odds are dangerously high. Regardless of whether they had been successful at whatever endeavor they embarked on, it does not matter because what matters to them is the thrill of having to do something that isn't usually done.


I sometimes wish I had that kind of recklessness in me --- that wild abandon and impulsiveness of youth. I sometimes envy those who seem to have no fear in their blood, no reservations in their veins because it always seemed that they always lived life to the fullest --- but do they, really? I sometimes get to think how nice it would have been if I were the risk taker that I am not. Would it have brought me greater glory? Would it have led me to a certain kind of downfall?


I have always opted to tread within my familiar shores. While something in me dreams of soaring where even angels fear to tread, a large dose of common sense would always tell me to take things in stride because most of the time, situations can never be understood through the hurry and the haste. Yes, there have been a few times when I threw all caution to the wind and got to experience the exhilaration of a certain freedom: the freedom from having to fall into the stereotype, but always, when the momentary sense of triumph fades, something deep within would always ask, "Is the thrill even worth the risk of losing your self-respect?"


I am not implying that risk-takers are all set for self-destruction. What I do know is that, if worse comes to worse, they lose more than they are willing to bet --- if they were honest enough. But knowing their love for what's dangerous and thrilling, they'd soon fly out of the rut, flap their wings again and soar into yet another unfamiliar skyline. While I envy the resiliency that they portray, I couldn't imagine myself ever having to wallow in regret. Truly, no two persons could ever have the same attitude about life and how it is to be lived.


But what if, for once, I take that crucial first step into the unknown and be like someone I haven't known myself to be --- and yet someone who I so love to have become? What if I shed this safety shell that I have been carrying around me and venture out into the unknown? What if I'd try to fly unbidden and unrestrained by anything--- be it fear, inhibition or doubt? What if, for once, I take the risk and take a bet? What if, one day, I finally get to muster the courage to take that first crucial step? Will I still be the same me afterwards?


I couldn't tell, just yet...


And I haven't mustered the courage just yet --- not because of what you might call cowardice, but because of the fact that I am a wife and mother. And that whatever decision I make affects not only myself but also my young children and my husband.


Someday, I might make that first step ... but I sure wouldn't make it alone. And it wouldn't just be a single step. It would be a leap of faith for me, my two daughters and my husband --- a family's leap toward something brighter and better.

(original text published at Facebook on April 9, 2010)

Unsecure Wi-Fi Abused

When I bought my Linksys Wireless - G Broadband router three years ago, I did not key in a password on purpose.  I got tired of the single ethernet cable because at that time, there were three laptops at home (my brother's Toshiba (mom's gift to him), my old Acer (now used by Andrea) and the new one given to me by my husband.) It would have been a big hassle to key in a password every time we connect to the web.

Another reason why I did not input a password was because I had my colleagues in mind.  With most of us already owning a laptop (because laptops are a big help for teachers) and there is no internet connection at the municipality where I am teaching (except for the GPRS powered Globe Tattoo), I thought that I could help by keeping my Wi-Fi connection open. Many times, we would gather at the house especially during the lazy summer months and just enjoy each other's company. They would update various software, download movies or simply just connect with Facebook. I enjoy having them at home.

Lately though, the unsecured Wi-Fi has become a source of stress. Inconsiderate young people, some I don't even know, gather at the gazebo built in front of the house to connect to the web. Some play simulation games, some watch porn, some download mp3's, some do chatting with prospective mates --- well, whatever they do, I have no business over that, but they should at least learn to respect the privacy of my property. Some do not even ask permission --- they simply just sit on one of the chairs/ benches and act as though they own the place.  Some have the guts to invite their friends along --- the nerve! I am a very private person. I hate going to other houses for small chitchats and here is my gazebo, filled with young people whom I barely even know!

The gazebo is built with the purpose of being utilized as a relaxing area.  How on earth can this be when a number of people are occupying the property as though they own the place and stay there for hours on end??? I am not a selfish person, but at least they should set their own limits.  They should at least learn to consider that the homeowner may have plans of  using the gazebo.  And they should at least learn to keep their darned mouths shut because I hate noise. I hate listening to flirty shrieks. I hate shouting. It isn't me to go visit other people's houses and act as though it is my own place!

Where have all the morals of these people gone???

And so, I stapled a printed notice. It reads this way:

This is NOT a public Wi-Fi zone.  

Please respect the owner's

privacy!

Tidbits of Time

You come

Like sunshine on a gloomy day

Washing all of the loneliness

With the smile that lights your eyes

But just as swiftly as the seasons change

You are gone again

And I am left to reminisce

The profound sweetness

Of those tidbits of time

Your voice

Warms up the frozen recesses

Of this heart of mine

I can recognize that unmistakable sound

Even when it’s lost in the orchestra

Of this noisy world

The silence is deafening

All I hear are echoes

From those tidbits of time

Your touch

Kindles the passion

That boils deep inside

Nothing makes me feel like fireworks

No one ever makes me soar

The way you always do

But now I am alone

With only memories to warm me

Precious tidbits of time

Your love

Is what keeps me going

It’s all the inspiration I need

To want to go on living

You’re the half that makes me whole

You hold my heart; you’re the mate of my soul

I will wait for you

As I have always waited for you

I only live for those tidbits of time

(written 10-15-2011@11:03 PM... just because I miss you so much, papa!)

En Route To Finding Myself

Physically I am where I have been for the past years. Nothing new, no spectacular change of scenery or anything of the sort.  It's just that the boring summer vacation led me to venture into an area that most of us fail to visit ... our inner self.  In an attempt to thwart the inner voice within each of us and mislead it into believing that the life we live is as perfect as we would like to believe, deep within, we feel a certain emptiness and we know not where or how we could fill it.


I took summer classes so I would one day earn a degree in Master in Educational Management, but somehow, some things just comes and your outlook in life changes.  I have spent most of the hot summer days inside the house listening to Christian preachings and watching Christian videos --- the kind that feeds the spiritual hunger I have been waiting for so long to be satiated.  It's really true that when God gifts his wisdom to a chosen few, the speaker merely becomes a messenger .... the medium through which God speaks. 

I am not speaking about religious organizations because in the end, religion isn't what salvation is all about. It's all about keeping the faith whatever the circumstance. Congregationalism is, in fact, an enemy of the CHURCH because it makes one group superior and others inferior.  When we look at our relationship with God in strict and fanatical congregationalism, we fail to focus on the real reason for our existence --- GOD. We must remember that while religious organizations sprout like mushrooms, THERE IS ONLY ONE GOD.

In a way I have been walking around in circles en route to trying to find reason for my being.  I know who I am by name, but I still have to learn about who I am where my spirituality is concerned...

Reflecting

I am into one of those days when I am caught in a hopeless tangle of chores to do.   I find myself trying to address everything that needs my attention and yet in my confusion I lose perspective of what to prioritize which leads me to find myself in a hopeless of maze of trying to figure out what needs attending to firsthand.  You can blame my unorganized manner for this because for the longest time, I have been a believer of spontaneity.  I don’t do things on fixed schedule because the routine would surely bore me to hell. But with the onslaught of “things to do” that has bombarded my poor self ever since I started to pursue higher learning, I guess there’s a need to really realign my misaligned views on life, whew!

Paper works pile one after the other: both for work and for my studies.  No matter how much I try to balance the scale, it tips on the side where work is --- meaning work is prioritized.  After all, it’s bread and butter. It makes it easier to envision that requirements for this pursuit of a master’s degree are left on the side where they pile up higher that my standing height and I don’t see clearly ahead anymore.  I thought of dropping the subjects in mid August, but I thought about the practicality.  I have to pay everything for nothing if I did.  I opted for the practical option instead.  I continued on despite the Saturday calls of duty and ended up with more absences that my self respect could handle. I am not chasing the Summa Cum Laude citation anyway, I reason out, but deep within myself is this deep set dissatisfaction at what I have been achieving so far.  I know I could have done more had I been given more time the way I achieved my grades way back in summer. Who is to blame? Nobody.  It’s just that I sometimes feel a bit angry at myself even for situations that are out of my control.

As of encoding this, I am actually in the midst of this web quest inquiry to find materials for my Methods of Research.  Along the way, I stumbled on works of former college classmates who are now full-fledged doctors of philosophy, management and education.  It makes me even madder at myself for not having pursued higher learning at a much earlier time. In two years time, I will be forty (God willing) and forty years, I see today, is too late a time for me to have finished this masters degree which I ironically started to venture out ten years ago. Better late than never, so they say… and so I should not stop studying until I get that tasseled cap on this hard head o’ mine!

Does Grammar Matter???

I wanted to sleep early because I've been typing away the whole day (exaggerating, apparently).  Oh well, if not for the two hours or so when I dozed off, the hour spent terrorizing Althea to read not to mention the trips to the --- you know where --- and a hundred other trivial things, encoding the final Introduction, Theoretical Background and Theoretical Framework would have taken the whole day today. No, not the entire 24 hours of course, because if I did that I'd surely be dead meat by morning --- a zombie. Awake in body but asleep in spirit... zzzzzzzzzzz....


No, I didn't doze of... My finger dozed off! (I only use 4 when encoding anyway, hehehe).  It's just that I have printed what I planned on submitting tomorrow to my Methods of Research Professor, but I noticed when I had the printed pages read that there are some grammatical flaws.  This is the reason why I didn't major in English.  I am fond of the compound complex sentences (my prof told me to use simplier language and I don't know how) and the major, major drawback of such is that, I most often find the subject not agreeing with the verb --- I get get confused as to which the subject is, anyway, wahehehehe! I will repeat, the papers are printed --- and I am running out of ink at home --- and ink is expensive --- and prof doesn't accept handwritten ones --- even if you claim it's your labor of love! My printer at school is a bit crazy with misaligned lines that don't align themselves even when I run the Printhead Alignment Wizard (encoded with capitalized beginning letters as a form of reverence --- it might help the alignment thing to work tomorrow).  Don't tell me to go to a service center because my pet printer has already undergone major major surgical operation otherwise known as CISS (Continuous Ink Supply System)...


But why am I talking about darn printer when I started off with minding my grammatical construction?  Writing my notes here at Facebook, I don't mind one bit if I do some unfit mix 'n match with subjects and verbs.  No one will rate me anyway.  And I don't have to be guilty because as said, I am not an English major, wahehehehe ---- palusot, bah!Dili lang jud pwede sa Research nga magsabong maong guol gamay akong buot kay human na print unya kining danghag, nagdanghag lang jud ang agi... hahay!


Grammar doesn't matter,  where my note writing in here is concerned, at least.  I write whatever comes to mind while thoughts still flow from it.  There are moments when I would simlply stare at the blank page and wouldn't be able to come up with anything hours after.  Spontaniety is the word.


Any reaction???  Violent ones even encouraged --- it's you and your PC anyway, hehehe.  Nonetheless, I have completed another senseless note just so I could write in what went on with my life today.

A Note of Thankfulness To God

I have always been expressive of my gripes.  Though some might not be in agreement with my feisty demeanor as expressed in the words and tone of my writing, I feel it's helped me not to develop hypertension, hehehe.  I don't hold back feelings and emotions. I let it explode and am not ashamed to let the world know I am being childish, LOL! But then again, it's the way I deal with stress and when I let everything out into the open, I feel so much better.



But for tonight, let me be good, hehehe.  This doesn't come naturally to me - meaning, I am even feeling a bit strange for being a well-behaved person today.   But well, I am naturally well-behaved based on my own standards.  Those who disagree, you can keep your mouth shut, hehehe!



I simply am feeling joyful and jovial and cheerful and light-hearted --- have I missed some adjectives?  Well then, supply them for me.  The comment box is not closed and can contain even a thousand comments (hopefully not, though!).  After the stressed- out past weeks when I had to juggle family, work and masteral classes, I have finally reaped the fruits --- some of the fruits, that is --- of my labor.  I am halfway through with my class' Form 9 (there's still a problem to be solved, though. One student did not go through second year --- TRUE!), I have submitted the Introduction, Theoretical Background and the beginning pages of the Related Literature of my study (draft returned this morning and Prof's comment made me go over the moon with happiness --- I am giddy, let me just be!). It's not perfect yet, but I have been inspired to have it completed. Family-wise, it's going great.  Problems are always present, but we always manage to hurdle through every obstacle, thanks God.



And so tonight,  I want to express my gratitude to my Maker who haven't ceased to be faithful to me despite my human frailties and shortcomings.  My heart just overflows with joy and gratitude that I couldn't contain it within me.  It needs to be let out into the open --- as I have been open with the way I am feeling.



My writings are not meant to entertain others anyway.  It's meant to be  personal mementos of my daily struggles, losses and victories as I go through the motions of living each day. Reading back on posts written a few years back makes me feel glad I did them.  And definitely, looking ahead into the future, I know I shall be looking back to this day with the same feeling of thankfulness because the positive feeling is reflected in the writing.



I have to edit my returned papers, and so I must stop...for tonight.



Thank you for never giving up on me, My lord.  And thank you for the countless blessings.  Thank you most of all for the unconditional love even when for most of the time, I don't deserve it.  It feels that just when I stray from Your grace, you stretch your loving arms farther and so much wider so you could still enclose me in Your embrace at moments when I feel so down and bothered and alone.

Points Pondered

Caught within the entanglements of work, school and family --- not to mention the demands of self --- I get to think most of the time how much better life would have been --- or would be if I were doing some other work and performing someone else's job.  To look for a greener pasture, so they say.  But if I were some people and working on some office other than the teaching field I have had the fortune (or misfortune?) of having worked on, they'd be apt to say that I am luckier not because I am a teacher, but because I have work.  There are some who do not really know the pressure of a teacher's life who would rather trade places with me, definitely, because if there were satisfaction for everyone regardless of where God has placed him, this saying wouldn't have been coined: "The grass is always greener when looked at at the other side of the fence."

If I were given the chance to work in another agency for a week --- or a month at it, would it still be the same?  Of course, it wouldn't be because it would be entirely a different job specification definitely that I would be working on.  If I were to remain in a government agency with its meager income yet taxing job, I'd still be struggling  to make ends meet because I'd still be earning the same meager income.  The challenge then is how to make the meager income last for the whole month.  Oh well, a teacher's salary couldn't make him materially rich, definitely.  This could be a reason why I get to think sometimes of the injustice in the situation I am in.  I most often invest more than what I receive.  It's a job that requires one to not count the rewards and yet demands one to invest of himself --- and his resources for most of the time.

BUt if I were not the teacher that I am now, what would I have been? Certainly, God would have planted me somewhere else, but would it have been a place where I could become better as a person?  Or bitter at the world and all the hypocrites around?  Nonetheless, in the academe, there are a lot of hypocrites... seems like this kind is fast growing in number, me included. To justify my hypocrisy, I am a hypocrite for some colleagues, but I am not a hypocrite to my students.  Weighing both --- the colleagues and the students --- the latter is heavier because without them, I wouldn't be enjoying a somewhat misplaced respect in society  just because of the fact that I am a teacher regardless of the fact that at some points I did not behave in the manner that a teacher is required to behave at all times ...

I could choose to stay and make my poor students victims of my own inaccuracies and inconsistencies and live to deal with my sometimes impossible demands to cover up for the reality that I really am not giving this job that has fed me and my family for years the priority that it deserves.  Or I could choose to give up ... and make someone else happy for the vacancy that I will be leaving behind.  Who knows, he/she will be a far cry from the picture of mediocrity that I ever was?

But well, am I really that willing to sacrifice? No ... I would rather have my cake and eat it too.

Oh well... just me and my nuisance of a mind.

If you happened to be here and enjoyed the entry, thank you...

But if you were here to spy on me and was hurt with what I am writing, well... "Bato-bato sa langit, ang tamaan huwag magalit." --- because it's my intention in the first place. Kung hindi man panggising, panggalit.

Lessons

Lessons are everywhere.  They are taught from the smallest to the most gigantic situation that we come to face as we go through our life's journey.  We almost always think we have learned it all but just as always, we are proven wrong.  We realize our stupidity and vow to keep track of the changes--- even the most subtle, so we can brace ourselves for the onslaught of yet another crippling lesson, but all attemps remain in vain for these lessons are thrown at us in moments when we lie basking in glorious celebration of something profound.

We think we  learned it all. We think there are no more lessons to be learned.  But in truth, just as it is always said that life is a series of twists and turns, something comes about at some corner to surprise us and we can't even let out an astonished shriek to show our surprise.  Well, that's life.  We learn to deal with these constant surprises because they are lurking at some intersections and ready to lunge at us in our most unguarded moment.  And in the process, we learn to guard ourselves and protect ourselvs to the point of keeping ourselves enclosed in the safe shell of indifference so that when the drizzles of learnings fall, we are shielded and kept safe inside... BUt will hiding be worth it? No. Hiding would only make us more so not in tune with what goes on within ourselves.  There is only one way to deal with these lessons then: to face them as squarely as we ought to and never run away.  We might end up scathed and bruised, but what matters is that, we learned.

What matters is that we learned...

Midweek Reflection

Nobody's life is perfect, that's true.  My life is far from being so itself.


But I am real, that I can assure people.  I am real to the point of pointing out things that others may not like to hear. But there are people who wouldn't want to hear any kind of truth.  As a matter of fact, no one lends an ear to truth because it's always taken as criticism. They want flattery instead.  I couldn't do that because I don't believe in boosting someone else's ego with lies.  If I hurt people, I might as well hurt them with the truth than feed them with countless lies.  We are all unique in our selfish ways and sometimes, our unique selfishness gets in the way with how we relate with people because whether these same people are amenable or not, they, too are experiencing their own episodes of unique selfishness.


And what a trouble it becomes when these selfish egos get entangled with one another --- when no one gives in, when each one believes he holds the torch of truth.  What a hot situation it becomes when the pretense escalates into something unreal. it's pretense in the first place, eh. It becomes even more fiery than a furnace when everyone gets to think he's right and everyone is wrong. The fun sure starts to set in.  I almost always fall into this trap --- that of imprisoning myself  to my own mindset.  But I am sure, everyone else falls under this categorical stereotype no matter how much one believes himself different from the pretentious majority.  We are all snakes in one way or another --- wearing different geometrical shapes, colors and designs but still snakes slithering among the bushes of vanity and pretense.  Though one may choose to believe he is different from everyone else, he is proven wrong again and again because EVERYONE IS VAIN, JUST AS EVERYTHING ON EARTH IS VANITY.


So, some people thrive on the folly that people feed them.  They'd rather believe and always take as truth the flattery and the lies because it's the very words they want to hear and the very same words that their ego is anchored on. They'd rather hibernate than wake up.  It's safe and snug in there --- in that safe hole they created, I mean.



So, if people would rather be left basking in the afterglow of the idyllic tryst ....

I Need Time

Yeah, I need time... real bad.

Not time to find myself and know just what it is that makes my life meaningful because I love my life as it is, frustrations, pitfalls and all. I don't need time to think of this marriage I am in because despite the imperfection that makes this union perfect in its own way, I am more than glad to have been the gift of a husband like the man I have in my life. I don't need time to think of the course I am treading where motherhood is concerned because I walk through my role as a mother one day at a time... because I ask the Lord each day to guide me on how I deal with my growing kids because I couldn't rely solely on my own judgment and decide I had been right all along. Neither do I need time to contemplate on whether I am happy with my profession because despite having started this teaching journey at the wrong foot (not my choice, that is), I have realized that God had known all along that I needed to be planted in this garden where my love could freely grow because He looked forward into my future to have known I'd be happiest in this kind of career.


So, just what sort of "TIME" do I need if I don't need the space that everyone seems to be looking for... to find themselves, to realize their full potentials, to be alone with the world?

Why does it sound that I am quite in a frustrated mood and mode that I want out? Or want to be in?

I shouldn't make your head go around in circles thinking what this silly mind of mine has concocted once again. I should go straight to the point and pour it all out, I know, but I want to beat around the bushes a little bit more if only to annoy you and make you scream with the sheer irritability of the nonsense that is my note, hehehe....


OKey, here goes...I need time.


More time to accomplish all my requirements so I don't have to worry about not being able to submit them on time, but since two priorities are overlapping, I finally know how it feels to be like a sandwich spread and get wedged between the yummy slices. I could choose to be a rotten spread and contaminate both slices, but if I do, I couldn't be doing it without spreading myself on both, right????

Now, I am making this all so confusing... because I am also confused myself.


It's better to be in a crossroads because I can choose to go back where I started when the road turns out to be the wrong one. But when you are right in between and there's a dead end at both ends, well, you can still choose to edge inch by inch sideways, upwards or downwards to get away. There's still a way.... it just takes time.


Okey, okey... don't get mad at me for this senseless ramblings that are running loose in my head and spewed through the keypad to this page. It's not my fault I couldn't make sense of what I really wanted to write in the first place.


Maybe, this is the very reason why...


I need time!

Why About Emotions and not Anout Other Topics?

Long before I planned on pursuing a masters degree, I have always thought of delving deeper into this topic when the right time came. Not because I wanted to condemn and /' or condone my colleagues or something of the sort, but because I wanted to really understand just how much an impact emotional abuse can have on the academic performance of high school students --- specifically in the school where I am teaching at. The topic is very close to my heart --- too close for comfort if I were to be honest. I lived with it for almost all of my young life. I had too much emotional trauma to last me a lifetime. I grew up believing I was worthless, that I was nobody, that no one would take me seriously because of the simple fact that I was what I had been. I lost my self respect. I lost faith and trust in people. I never believed anyone who told me I had potential. I never even believed that I could draw people when I sing.


I was born in this province a little more than 37 years ago and its ironic that this condescending culture of ours led me to almost deal with myself self-destructively. In the quiet a supposedly reserved probinsiyano culture lies hidden a destructive sense of "pangmamaliit". Makapilo, in straight Visayan term... The sad truth is that, most often, people whom we look up to to protect us and to provide us with much needed emotional support and anchor are the ones to also emotionally destroy us... which also proves the popular saying that states. " WE ALWAYS HURT THE MOST THOSE WHOM WE LOVE AND VALUE THE MOST." Family, friends, teachers, friends even ---- they hurt us in ways we never thought possible. And these same people have the power to hurt us because our feelings toward them makes us vulnerable to them.



To quote Mam Maria Juamawan's favorite line --- to make the long story short_--- I never found the acceptance I craved while growing up in this beloved island province of ours. My innate brilliance shone through in the city which accepted me when I did not even accept myself for who I was --- Ozamiz City. My fifteen years in Ozamiz led me to really know my potentials as a person. Ozamiz City National High School became cocoon through which I metamorphosed into my full potential. I wasn't a nobody in there because in a place teeming with people, you have no time to watch and backbite people. You try to rise and hone whatever potential you have so you don't find yourself carried away by the current.



It took me a long time to really understand that everything had to happen so I can be shaped according to how God wanted me to be shaped. I needed to go through being in the fire, doused with water, put into a furnace and doused again so I could be a "FEELING" person --- something so many people choose to forget. The emotional abuses made me more grounded and careful of what I say to my students because I know that at that age, a single word, a hurtful comment and I could break a life --- I know because I was broken far too many times in my young life.


I am not a saint, mind you. I am crass with older people. I say what I mean and most often mean what I say because they are already too old to not have sense within their heads. But with students I am like treading on glass ... because their trust and and views on people are very much fragile and could break and shatter with even a single word.


In the thirteen years that I have been teaching, I am aware that I might have offended some of my students, might have been judgmental and harsh on them. I might have unknowingly destroyed their self-esteem. I might have made them lose faith in themselves... there's no excuse for being reckless sometimes, that is why I want to know how emotional abuse affects them --- my students. The study will not limit only to the school setting but to their emotionally trying experiences in the home and in the community as well.


Personally, the effect of emotional abuse on me had been quite positive, achievement wise. I was emotionally shattered, but I chose to pick up the broken pieces and mend my tattered self worth. I chose to draw inspiration from within myself ---- from my family --- even when at the onset, I blamed God for all the pain. My will to brave it all was because I never wanted to go through the same abuse all throughout my waking hours. And I never wanted my children to face the same abuse I faced while growing up ---- but who knows, I might have unknowingly hurt my children even when I never intended to....


It's really nothing personal. It would simply be a sort of a clinical experiment of something that lies beneath the surface --- something intangible and yet one that affects people in so many ways.


And it wouldn't be done soon.... it would take two years in the least for me to really complete it.