That Crucial First Step

Is there someone alive so bold and daring so as to not feel a certain degree of apprehension, uncertainty or fear of taking in a step forward --- especially when that step leads her or him toward an unknown shore?

Maybe, there are a few adventurous people who will not feel the tingling nerve-endings when venturing out into the unknown.  There are a few exceptional people with that "devil may care" attitude and who think that they can take on any challenge--- climb any mountain, sail any ocean and forge every stream --- even when the odds are dangerously high.  Regardless of whether they had been successful at whatever endeavor they embarked on, it does not matter because what matters to them is the thrill of having to do something that isn't usually done.

I sometimes wish I had that kind of recklessness in me --- that wild abandon and impulsiveness of youth.  I sometimes envy those who seem to have no fear in their blood, no reservations in their veins because it always seemed that they always lived life to the fullest --- but do they, really?  I sometimes get to think how nice it would have been if I were the risk taker that I am not. Would it have brought me greater glory?  Would it have led me to a certain kind of downfall?

I have always opted to tread within my familiar shores.  While something in me dreams of soaring where even angels fear to tread, a large dose of common sense would always tell me to take things in stride because most of the time, situations can never be understood through the hurry and the haste. Yes, there have been a few times when I threw all caution to the wind and got to experience the exhilaration of a certain freedom: the freedom from having to fall into the stereotype, but always, when the momentary sense of triumph fades, something deep within would always ask, "Is the thrill even worth the risk of losing your self-respect?"

I am not implying that risk-takers are all set for self-destruction.  What I do know is that, if worse comes to worse, they lose more than they are willing to bet --- if they were honest enough. But knowing their love for what's dangerous and thrilling, they'd soon fly out of the rut, flap their wings again and soar into yet another unfamiliar skyline.   While I envy the resiliency that they portray, I couldn't imagine myself ever having to wallow in regret.  Truly, no two persons could ever have the same attitude about life and how it is to be lived.

But what if, for once, I take that crucial first step into the unknown and be like someone I haven't known myself to be --- and yet someone who I so love to have become? What if I shed this safety shell that I have been carrying around me and venture out into the unknown?  What if I'd try to fly unbidden and unrestrained by anything--- be it fear, inhibition or doubt?  What if, for once, I take the risk and take a bet?   What if, one day, I finally get to muster the courage to take that first crucial step?  Will I still be the same me afterwards?

I couldn't tell, just yet...

And I haven't mustered the courage just yet --- not because of what you might call cowardice, but because of  the fact that I am a wife and mother. And that whatever decision I make  affects not only myself but also my young children and my husband. 

Someday, I might make that first step ... but I sure wouldn't make it alone. And it wouldn't just be a single step. It would be a leap of faith for me, my two daughters and my husband --- a family's leap toward something brighter and better.